Excluded from family get togethers – Family & People

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I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters in my family. I’m 50, oldest daughter. I have had trouble all my life with the 2 younger sisters having extreme sibling rivalry. I moved away at 18 to New York and my mother would always put on a big party when I came home. My mother would tell the 2 sisters how miserable she was that I was away, which I learned much later, and that this made them extremely jealous of me, but I had no idea about this.

If I had known I’m sure I would have done some things differently but…

You need this background info… anyway my mother would do an activity with one of us at a time, like she would come to visit me and go out dancing with us and her boyfriend. She had a boyfriend most of the time and still was married to my dad, but she insisted that that was their arrangement and that dad didn’t mind as long as she came home. It seems that my mom has used all of us, but of course, everyone wants their mothers approval. She would do one thing with one daughter and then something else with another one. But while she is doing this or that she’ll act like you are the most important and tell you that you are the favorite one, but it only seems that she plays with people one at a time.

Yes, I have mother issues. She moved to my town and I, and only I, took care of her and all I got was criticisms from most of siblings. Mom lived in my town for 5 years, was happy and I was the greatest daughter on earth, as long as I was doing everything for her, and she would talk bad about all the others how they neglicted her and then after 5 years she decided, with the urging of a sister that she wanted to move to sister’s town and play with her now. She wanted to rent her house and move but I wouldn’t let her. I had her sign over her house when she was here because I knew that I would have to take care of her funeral when she died.

I knew that renting to someone usually winds up being a hassle and it is best to sell for cash. She moved anyway and my sister told her she would get low income housing, but for 3 years she had to pay $500.00 a month rent because they had done the move without getting her on a list to get the low income housing, but of course mom and sister were mad at me cause I insisted on selling the house. Mom had planned on living on the rent from her house but that did not happen. She got soc. sec. and a retirement payment but not very much. House finally sold after 1 year. After all expenses were deducted for upkeep, insurance , real estate taxes, and for mom’s funeral expenses I had $1,000.00 left which I deposited in her account. I paid her funeral expenses because mom had a will that said that I had to pay her funeral expenses. Before I sold her house I had mailed a copy of the will to all siblings and told them if they wanted to take care of all of mother’s business I would be more than happy to sign over the house to them… there were no takers.

Long story short… both sisters snub me, won’t talk to me and I am not welcome at their homes. They even had a “Family” baby shower for my only daughter (who gets along with everyone cause she lives far away) and I was not invited.

They all say I have stolen mother’s house money which is most certainly not the truth. I have the receipts to prove it. Yes, I could show them the receipts but they will just say that I am lying and that I have made it all up. What should I do?

My mother wouldn’t talk to me for quite a while, but we have made up now. I have bought her lots of expensive gifts to try to be good to her, but she just kind of takes them for granted. We talk and do stuff together but she is always singing the other sisters praises.

I think my mother has lied about things that did not happen to the sisters, but if I confronted her about it, in front of the sisters, mom would start crying and insist that I was lying and not her!

Should I try to make up with the sisters and just try to find some new ones? I feel really bad when I talk to mother and she tells me how all the family (except me) got together at X-mas and had such a great time.

I did not do anything wrong and don’t feel like I need to apologize to anyone for anything. I know that mom is a manipulative person. How do I manage to deal with all this and try to keep my sanity? Around the holidays I get depressed about it. Should I stay away from all of them? Also, my daughter always goes to these “Family” gatherings and sometimes doesn’t tell me about it and that makes me feel bad too. Does anyone have any ideas for me to cope with having a family but not having a family? Thanks if you read all of this.

Answer

Hey I know exactly what you are talking about my grandmother is the same way as your mom. She would manipulate each child by trying to make them jealous of one another. She would often tell a lie about one child to another to get them angry at one another. She even tried to pull that crap with her grandkids(ie me and my cousins) as a result No one in my family really talks to each other and you know what… she 80 now and STILL does it.

My best advice to you is maybe all your sisters get together and as civil and peaceful as possible talk to one another.Compare notes on what your mama told each child and ask each other about it you maybe surprised at what you may find out. If this is doesn’t work I would just say let it be. You can’t force your sisters to get along with you if they don’t want to but at least you can say you tried.

One more thing your mom saying everyone gets together and has a good time at xmas but you is a another manipulation tactic. We recently stopped going to xmas celebrations at my grandmas because she had everyone in the whole family mad at my mama and oldest uncle with her lies. She’s trying to make you feel guilty DO NOT LET HER. I know she’s your mom but this kind of behavior is unacceptable and has to stop and since your mom isn’t going to stop it you have to.

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