Is My mother dysfunctional! – Family & People

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Ok this will be long. My mother had me at age 19; my dad was 21 at the time. My mother never took proper care of me. For example, she never made traditions, she spent more of her time with her friends drinking, clubbing, leaving me with people whom I didn’t know to babysit me. I’d have to take care of her when she was drunk (my father was also an alcoholic). I had to raise myself!

She didn’t give me guidelines, rules, never took interest in my school, never asked about my day, never read me bedtime stories–and I’m an ONLY CHILD! She also never gave me kisses or would tell me she loves me. Instead, she would have affairs with a lot of guys. My parents constantly fought in front of me, had no type of discretion, and yes, physically. My mother would never cook and when she would, she wouldn’t even eat it. I can honestly say I had a horrible childhood.

When I was younger, my parents fought and the fight would go on more than a day, so walking home from school I would pass a park and stay at the park just 3 minutes more, just so I could stay just a bit longer away from home. I’ve always felt like I was the parent of my mom at least. My dad is no longer an alcoholic and has his life on the right track, is an excellent father. My mother on the other hand is unfaithful and has been so for at least 6 years.

Now I’m 18 years old, and my parents are going through a separation type thing. I feel like she needs help, can never make a decision, is like delusional. My father came in the room announced that he’s separating and leaving, and my mother 5 minutes after he left said, “You’re coming with me, right?” I was in tears I couldn’t even speak.

What set my father off and pushed him for a separation was he found a cell phone of hers and grabbed it at 2am and she begged him not to look in it, even broke it herself. OH she also said she needed to get a new cell phone after he announced his separation.

I feel like he already knows of course! And this cell phone was an excuse to just really leave because she doesn’t cook, she doesn’t clean and doesn’t do ANYTHING. She works and doesn’t even pay rent. I think she’s a bit off sometimes. She keeps telling me there is no affair BUT! I’vw seen it for myself, have heard it, and people I don’t even know have told me (and it’s a distant cousin of my dad’s she’s having the affair with).

When I was little, babysitters would tell me this stuff. People would leave random notes on my dad’s car telling him that she’s cheating. He’s always ignored it and not believed it. He has an amazing patience and treats her like a queen. My mother is a very unsure person, is unsure of even a nail polish color, and he has been a zen with her. Everyone tells her he is an amazing guy and trust me, he is! Everyone said they’re jealous of how involved he is with her stuff.

BUT! She still won’t admit she’s cheating. She’s not an emotional person. It’s like she fits into the definition of a psychopath. She has had trauma in her life, didn’t live with her mother because her mom was too poor but lived with her wealthy grandparents who would beat her. My mother said she doesn’t love my father but still wants his company? I don’t get it… Do you?

Well, my question is, do you think my mom has something wrong with her like mentally? And if someone can clear up how someone can not love someone anymore but still want their company? And also! Do I or do I not have reason to resent my mother?

Answer

‘My mother saids she doesn’t love my father but still wants his company? I don’t get it… Do you?’
Yes, it happens every day. A complicated stew of emotions, wanting what he is capable of being and giving, but pushing it away at the same time. She didn’t get love or learn love as a child but wanted it as any child does, so she became tough and outwardly uncaring about sex and love and faithfulness. He represents what she could have had. He’s both of her parents.

‘Well my question is do you think my mom has something wrong with her like mentally ?’
Mental illness is a broad term and the lines between dysfunctional and ill are blurry. It doesn’t even really matter until someone tries to commit suicide or acts so off the wall that the police or an ambulance are called.
‘Do I or do I not have reason to resent my mother?’
Yes dear, of course you do. I’m glad you can see the good traits in your father as a basis for your adult life. Give him a big hug and a smooch and thank him for being your dad, while you still have him.
If you can’t forgive your mother, try to understand her.
As Oprah has said many times, forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to like someone or even let them into your life. It’s a way to be free.

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