Mother/daughter bond, indefinite peril. I need some outside guidance! – Family & People


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Survival it’s something I learned very early on. Mom struggled with raising 4 kids on her salary, divorced and poor. She had my two half sisters and divorced their dad. Along came my dad, she got pregnant and he jumped ship, especially when he found out she was having twins. So mom had become the sole breadwinner and parent. She found happiness in drinking. She drank for years, until I was 13 and decided to put the bottle down. It was hard for her and us as a family. She quit her job at the hospital, claiming sexual harassment when I was 14. She lived off SS for a couple of years, but was found that she was a fraud to the system, as she held a partime grocery store job, she worked more hours then what was aloud. SS sued her, for more money then she will ever have. As a kid, I even knew what she was doing was wrong, but how was she supposed to support all 4 of us on her income. I didn’t know and it scared me to think of us out on the street.
Through a lot of hungry nights and determination to make it, we all survived. We never lost our house. In fact, mom went through HUD to buy her first house. Only to find though, that 5 years into it, she had rheumatoid arthritits, fibromyalgia and she stopped making payments. This was going on while I was away at college. I was an extremely poor college student, rarely drove home due to money or my car breaking down. Their came a point where I had nothing left too live on after my tuition was paid. I was hungry and depressed, but doing well in school. Finally, at the age of 19 a freshman in college, mom agreed to sign a student plus loan. I promised her that I would pay it back to her. It was for 3000 dollars. Years wore on, I ran completely out of money my junior year and knew only I could pay my way. I joined the military for the tuition. I now have as much money to go to college as I want. They do not however pay off existing student loans.
About a year ago, I went through a major divorce, I lost it all and then some. I was cheated on, by my lover (now ex). I lost my soul, I lost my mind, I never saw that coming. My mom was their via phone, somewhat to help console me. I was drowning in debt, and my lover was with someone else. What I did next, I never thought I’d do. I hit my ex out of anger, out of heartbreak. It landed me in jail, no one came for me for 8 days. I later found out, my mom told everyone to NOT get me out. That I had to learn a lesson. She always made me suffer, even as a child, to learn the hard way she says. I’ve never had a record, a speeding ticket, nothing. Im good person who lost it and hit my ex (in the shoulder). I don’t take hitting anyone lightly, it is wrong and I know what I did was wrong, stop, think… walk away. This is the kind of drama you see off Jerry Springer, I’m not a fighter or an angry person and she knew that. I sat in jail for 8 days, my sister showed up to bail me out. The judge let me go with just disorderly conduct.

After a few months went by my family and I were okay. Mom kept asking for money, when she knew I was living on my own and didn’t have a dime. Then she called me up and said, R the government is going to start garnishing my wages from the parent plus loan I took out for you. I felt aweful, their was nothing I could do. I had no money to eat, let alone to send her. Then thanksgiving 07 came, Im broke and poor and miss my family, still trying to make it on my own. She calls and says, hun you don’t have to come home were not doing anything big, but if you don’t come could you send me some money. I have no money she says. I was mad, very mad. I went home for thanksgiving that year. Then xmas comes, she says, hun if you can’t afford to come its okay, we are not doing anything big this year, but if you don’t come can you please give me the money you would have spent on gas money. I spent xmas alone and poor that year. Finally 08 comes around, things are looking a little brighter. I started making payement to my mom, until September. My car took a dive. I couldn’t give her money that month. My mom has since stopped all contact with me since September. I got a new job and now Im doing the best I ever have. I am finally financiallly stable and so I called my mom on xmas of 08. She answered and asked who this was, I said this R. She said, Oh… Im waiting on a call. I asked is their a better time to reach you… her reply is No.
NOW THE TWIST… the government has not been taking money from her for over a year now, she kept it going so I would pay her money. Also, she took 5000 dollars from her own sick mother, none of the family knows. My sister told me. No one thinks what she is doing is right with me. My mom is certain she will never talk to me again, unless I put money in her account. I have no problem doing, but she won’t even talk to me. I tried and the thing is… I never lied about anything, she has, over and over and over again. I love my family and her, she is destroying the family. She is letting her own stubborn, manipulative self tear our family to shreds. I don’t know what to do with her anymore. I can’t see my family until she talks to me. I tried, I have done everything. But If I just put this money in her account, it be like me paying for a family. Some money is do her, I do know that, but she is lying about soooooo much stuff. I need some good objective advice here, that is why I chose to ask it here. Im so torn, its been almost 6 months since Ive been home. I don’t know what to do. I can’t sleep or function at work anymore because Im so sick about this whole mess. I could give in and give it to her, but it wouldn’t be right. I’d work out a payment plan, but she won’t talk to me and even if she did speak, it would be more lies, about how much I owe her. She won’t even let me talk to the loan people to find out. She gives me the price. Please, :(Please help. Thank You


Until mom can show you something on paper exactly what is owed on the student loan, I would not pay her anything. Try writing her a letter and ask her to prove to you on paper what is owed and to WHO. This way, you will have the information you need to pay this loan yourself and end that particular financial obligation on your part.

Sounds like mom is a conniver from a way back. You don’t have to beat yourself up over her actions. You need to remember that she is playing your emotions like a violin right now.

You sound like you have been through a lot, but on the other hand you are a survivor. Mom obviously has her own adjenda and her own way of seeing the world and that is quite different from the way you see the world.

Keep in touch with the rest of your family all you want, but as far a mom is concerned, I wouldn’t go out of my way to contact her.

My own elder sister was a real conniver. She convinced my mom to give her money for a car when she lived in a different state. No thank you, just disappeared off the face of the earth for a few years. Then she connived me into giving her a tidy sum, and then promptly disappeared. Mom felt guilty and would keep giving her money over the years. Sis knew just how to “push” mom’s guilty buttons. Last time I heard from her (haven’t a clue where she lives, phone # or what her last name is now as she remarried) was when mom died and she found out about it. Seems mom had a sense of humor and prior to her dying she told my sister that she was leaving me “well off”. Naturally sis called me up and wanted money with a capital M. I laughed for 5 minutes when she told me mom said I was left well off by her. Mom had the last laugh on sis. Mom died poor and left me only memories of her and no money whatsoever. Haven’t heard from her since. Wonder why?

Seems like your mom and my sis would get along just fine.

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