Six Years of Friendship, but is it Rebound? – Page 2 – Family & People

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Okay, this is tough. I have a friend whom I have much in common with. She had been living with another of my (ex)friends. Their relationship — and my friendship with this woman — started at the same time, six years ago. My ex-friend was her first boyfriend. She’s been abused or abandoned most of her life, and sadly this didn’t end with my ex-friend’s treatment of her, which is why I’m no longer his friend. He nearly killed her several years ago, though I didn’t know at the time. I did know that he was hitting her and being controlling, but all I could do was listen and encourage her to leave him. I can tell you that forcing the situation would have ended in injury and incarceration. I’d already cut him off in my heart, but staid around for her sake, because he is bipolar and my disappearing could easily have made things worse. Long story short, he put her in the hospital before Christmas of last year, and a judge instituted a restraining order on him for 11 months. She is done with him, I can tell, though obviously wounded and shocked. It’s been two months, or a bit more. I let her vent and comfort her, but she talks about him less and less.

So now she’s making it obvious that she wants me, and while I didn’t want her when she was with my ex-friend (it’s the way I am), that has changed. She’s beautiful and we have a lot in common. She says she’d been having sexual dreams about me for months before her other relationship ended. She’s told me that she wished she’d been with me for the whole time instead of my ex-friend.

Is this just rebound, or is it deeper than that? From what I’ve read about rebounds, it doesn’t seem to be that simple, because of the time frames and friendship involved. And in any case, how should I proceed if I don’t want it to be just a fling or something even more destructive? I don’t want to hurt her. Do I ever get to have her?

Answer

She fully realizes she needs help, and she is sort of in counseling. After the breakup, the judge ordered the ex into a program, and while I haven’t asked, I believe he ordered (or heavily suggested) that she get into a program as well. But it seems like one of those cheap charity jobs where you mostly do work on the Net. She tells me about emails and worksheets.

She doesn’t go to a face-to-face support group. My working assumption is that a support group would be better. I’m sure there must be churches or schools where such groups meet, possibly for free.

So here’s what I’m thinking so far:

  • Tell her how I feel about her
  • Tell her that it’s too soon
  • Tell her that she needs more help than just me
  • Tell her that we can maybe visit this again on the other side of six months
  • Pray I’m not throwing daggers at my own heart
  • Hope I don’t get sick over it

Is that even in the right order? I’m thinking of praying and getting sick first… 🙂 🙁

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