What is wrong with my family? – Family & People

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Immediately after me, my mother and sister came back from vacation during the summer holiday of ’08 my father wanted to get a divorce.

The minute I got in the door he took me out for a coffee (something he would maybe do once a year) to tell me about how bad my mother is. In the end he basically convinced me that my mother was screwing around with other men for a job, that she was cheating people on money and crap like that.

The same day he called the police on my mum for kicking him and he made me go to the police station and say that I saw them fighting. A few days later he called the cops because my mother slapped him on the head, and he made me stay and wait for the police to come instead of going to school. I told the police what I saw and they kicked my mother out for 10 days and then another 10 due to the court’s indecision.

I later learned that this was all orchestrated by some women, who used to be a friend of my mother’s but who had recently divorced. She told my father how to kick my mother out and get a divorce the really harsh way.

Meanwhile my dad took me almost daily, to this woman’s house, she would cook for us, we would sit down and have drinks etc. etc.

If I tried to stay home and study my dad would get pissed at me and “sanction” me by insulting me – he would think that I was siding with my mother. Naturally I went with my father most of the time because he made me think that he was the “right” one.

After about 3 months of not talking to my mother (because my father told me not to) my parents reconciled and everything went fine, until about now.

My parents are fighting as I type because I got a bad mark in maths. My mother is blaming my father for having wasted months of my life at the beginning of the school year and stopping me from keeping up with my class mates.

To be honest before the summer I was almost excellent in maths and since my dad did waste my time I’m doing horribly and I’m scared of having to repeat the class.

I know I’m also to blame but I’m only 16 and my dad made me think I was doing the right thing by following his actions. But come to think of it my dad has never been a father to me, he is ALWAYS sitting at that mother ing computer of his doing work and never had any time for me. Maybe about 8 years ago he took me out for McDonalds a couple of times during a period of 6 months but that’s almost it.

A few weeks ago we went out for a movie some lunch and a fun fair but damn that is really like a once-in a life time experience thing with my dad. He always es about how he pays for everything, and I know that’s something but who does he think he is kidding? What, now school fees are going to be a father figure for me? This sh*t stinks.

-Xm8

P.S.

I also feel like a whore… My dad bribed me with loads of money (which I wasn’t used to having) and cigarettes. One year ago he would have whipped me, yes whipped me with a horse’s whip for smoking.

Answer

I would suggest you tell your mother you need some time alone with her out of the house. Tell her this when you father is not there. Then, tell her what he did and said. Tell her about the discussions, how you felt trapped and controlled, how you feel that he was wrong to give you the money and cigarettes. Tell her what you want in your life.

It sounds like your mother needs to leave your father and to take you with her. She may not be ready to do that. Ask her not to discuss what you tell her with him as long as the two of you are sharing a house with him, as you are concerned he will retaliate in some way – emotionally or otherwise.

Your father’s actions are horrendous and show great dishonesty and a complete lack of personal maturity. That does not mean you have to hate him or stop loving him, but it may mean that as you get older, you will have to accept him as a man with flaws that are not acceptable to you… love what is loveable about him and distance yourself from the rest.

It’s tough when you are still a kid or teen and cannot just leave. You need your parents, and you are acting more mature than they are.

YOu might want also to tell your mother that you have been very upset and distracted by all of this, and she is right – it is the cause of your drop in math. Share with her what would help you improve in your studies, like a peaceful and emotionally safe home environment.

If your mother is not ready to leave your dad, is there a grandparent you could live with or an aunt or some other really grounded, responsible and caring person, to finish school? Perhaps this might be an option for you to give your parents space to work through whatever they need to work through, while you focus on yourself and your goals.

Know also that many children have tried to repair their parents and their parents actions, and it does not work. In fact, I can tell you I am in my forties and have a sibling who is married to the village idiot… for years, I’ve wanted her to leave him as has my entire family – we are all adults and are all very close with her. She is going to do what she wants to do, and we have no control over it. So we support her, tolerate him when he’s tolerable, and avoid him when he’s not. What more can a person do?

If your dad tries to manipulate you again, tell him “Dad, you need to leave me out of this. When you ask me to do these things, I loose respect for you, not for Mom. You are wrong to try to bribe me and to try to give me cigarettes, and you are wrong to try to force me to lie.” He may not realize that you are mature enough to unravel his thin attempts to pretend he’s not manipulating you.

If your mom decides to work on the relationship and stay, ask her if there’s somewhere else you can live for a while to get a break and return your focus to your school work, like with a supportive friend or relative.

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